| This HAS to get out! |
[Nov. 30th, 2009|12:20 pm] |
The Ugandan government is trying to pass a law that would allow for the execution of homosexuals, the imprisonment of parents who don't turn in their gay children to the government, and the imprisonment of anyone who speaks out for gay rights.
But the really obscene part? A US evangelical organization called The Family is sending the Ugandan government money....and they have about ten members in the US Congress.
This evangelical organization and its members in Congress need to be exposed for what they are supporting in Uganda.
[url]http://gayrights.change.org/blog/view/meet_the_us_politicians_who_want_to_see_gay_people_dead_in_uganda#[/url] |
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| Getting this off my chest |
[Nov. 4th, 2009|12:42 pm] |
So last night marriage equality was voted down in Maine.
In 2009 none of this should even be question, and it's beyond obscene that equal rights for law-abiding American citizens are put up to popular vote.
As Jesse Ventura said last night, if civil rights for African-Americans had been put up for a vote, we would still have slavery.
The federal government allowing this to continue to happen is cowardly, obscene, and un-American.
My only solace is that someday these ignorant, bigoted, and cowardly people spreading their smear campaigns, scare tactics, and lies will be looked back on as ridiculously backward as we look back on those who supported slavery and segregation. In fact, by increasing numbers of people, they already are. |
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| So, time to come clean... |
[Oct. 8th, 2009|06:04 pm] |
I was with Mark steadily from September 11, 2006 to April 10, 2008. After that he was engaged to a girl named Jamie, but he told me "I can't do it Jes, I can't be a girl's boyfriend", and we got back together...for about a week and a half. Then he ended up engaged to her again.
As I have mentioned on here, back in April of this year he told me he wanted to be friends again, he had realized he loved her like his other female friends but wasn't "in love" with her, he was going to talk to her within the next couple days, and he hoped we could get back to where we were.
What I conveniently left out was that Mark never actually had The Talk with Jamie, because he obviously didn't want to break off the engagement over the phone, and said she was doing veterinary stuff all summer and is now away again in classes. So yes, I have been having sex since April with a man who is engaged to someone else. For obvious reasons I didn't feel like sharing all of this.
During this period Mark and I have not been "dating", we've probably best been described as "friends with benefits", with him saying he considers me "undefined" in his categories of people. Well I started to get increasingly impatient for him to tell Jamie what he said he was going to tell her, and resented having to keep it some big secret from our friends, and finally today I told him I didn't think we should have sex anymore until the situation changes. He said that was fine as long as we could still be friends. He also admitted he is leaning toward thinking he is going to marry Jamie, and that the more he has thought about it the last few days, the more he thinks he does truly love her. He has mentioned in front of friends about avoiding being intimate with Jamie, finding naked women repulsive, etc., but when I pushed him enough he said he and Jamie have had sex and had two scares where he thought she was pregnant, which surprised him by not frightening him but instead exciting him and making him feel like everything had fallen together.
Now Mark has always been determined to have biological children and continue his family line, and I hope he has not used that to delude himself into thinking he is in love with and can have a successful marriage with Jamie. He insists that children are not the only reason why he is marrying her.
I met Jamie once for about a minute years ago, so I have no idea how her mind works its way around thinking marrying a man she knows to be at least predominantly gay sounds like a great idea. But yes, Jamie is completely aware that Mark is quote unquote gay, but apparently they both think they're in love and can get married and have children and it will work out just fine. I told Mark I think the day will come when he regrets this and that it will be the biggest mistake of his life, but he thinks I'm wrong. I also told him I will not attend his wedding (one because I'm in love with him, two because I think it's a farce), and he answered he wouldn't have expected me to. |
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| First Glimpse of Yours Truly as Bloodsucker |
[Sep. 29th, 2009|10:34 pm] |
For Bloodlines we will have some makeup (we are trying to avoid making our vampires too cliched, so it's just subtle things like pale skin and bags under the eyes), so it's not my final look, just trying popping the fangs in. The fangs we bought for $16. They work by filling the two hollow plastic fangs you buy with the mold that comes with it, taking the mold out once it's in the shape of a tooth, and then pushing it up over your tooth so it molds to your tooth. Take it out, stick it in the fridge for a few minutes, and it is hard and fitted specifically to the shape of the person's individual tooth. They fit snugly over your actual teeth, and you can talk in them almost normally. |
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| So, my lovelies... |
[Sep. 25th, 2009|06:45 pm] |
I'm bored and reading Domlijah slash.
But then again, you don't have to be bored to read slash, do you? ;-) |
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| Question |
[Sep. 1st, 2009|05:09 pm] |
Mark texted me today saying "I finally got what I've wanted for five years....an apology".
To explain the back story, Mark's first boyfriend's name was (is) Tim. They dated for a year, and a couple days after taking Mark's virginity, Tim cheated on him with some other guy. Well Mark has despised Tim since then and usually refers to him as "The Asshole". Tim seems to still want Mark, however, and even though he's had other boyfriends since, he's always attempted to flirt with Mark given half a chance. Recently Tim told Mark that his boyfriend cheated on him, and he now understands more how it feels.
Today, Tim asked Mark to have lunch with him and finally, five years later, apologized to Mark for all the pain he put Mark through.
Now here we come to the part where I am seeking your input:
Mark updated his Facebook status saying "funny how after all the pain you've caused how my heart still skips a beat when I hear your voice". Now Mark admitted when I asked him years ago that he sometimes wished he and Tim had never broken up, but that way he wouldn't know the things he'd have missed out on (this was accompanied by a meaningful look at me).
Am I overly paranoid for past episodes, or should I be concerned? Is it completely natural for Tim to always, in spite of everything, have a special place in some corner of Mark's heart simply by virtue of being his first boyfriend, first sex partner, first person Mark felt he was completely in love with, etc.? |
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| Thoughts on Today's Sermon |
[Aug. 23rd, 2009|01:44 pm] |
So my church's (Free Methodist) pastor is from Ghana, and he just returned from a vacation there. Well part of his message today was that Islam is spreading fast in Ghana, and that Christians need to wake up, because the Devil uses false prophets and false religions to create division. He also stated that the only reason there is peace in Ghana is because the authorities are Christian, and that whenever there is a Muslim majority, there's trouble.
This all troubled me significantly, to the point where I felt uncomfortable sitting there around other nodding along to another religion being made out to be the enemy. Afterwards, Mark and I discussed it, and he believes that if there is one religion that is intertwined with violence as part of its very faith, it is Islam. Our friend Vikki said that before I get upset about Pastor's sermon, I should take into account that he is speaking from his background in Ghana, "where Islam affects lives negatively every day". I replied that Christians have also persecuted Muslim minorities- after all, the Crusades were basically Christians marching off on a Holy War (jihad?) to the Holy Land to slaughter Muslims, where Christians and Muslims had been living in peace before they got there. They answered that it's not persecution, it's about winning souls.
I suppose Mark made a valid point when he said that kind of talk goes on in every other church in every other religion as well, and I suppose I can't expect them to think it's fine and dandy when Islam sweeps across Ghana when their entire religion hinges on Jesus Christ being the only path to Heaven and the only way to be saved, and that following a false god and a false religion will keep their fellow man from inheriting the Kingdom of Heaven. But while I have lately been tentatively considering myself a very (very) liberal Christian, I don't believe that the only way to Heaven is through Jesus Christ. I don't believe that a good person who believes in God will all their heart and soul as much as any Christian would be sent to Hell for not calling Him by the right name. For that matter, I don't believe an atheist who lives a moral life doing no harm to anyone would be sent to Hell. I believe God knows if you are a good person, and that is what counts, not a rule as exclusive and limiting as what religion you belong to, or whether you proclaim faith in Jesus as the Son of God. I don't believe an all-wise, all-knowing benevolent being would be that restrictive and petty. Of course, Mark would argue it's anything but petty, but I think it seems petty that God would send Gandhi to Hell for not being a Christian, but if Hitler, in his last hours in the bunker, proclaimed faith in Jesus Christ, he's in Heaven. It just seems too...arbitrary, too much like a Get Out Of Jail Free card, and therefore it sounds man-made. It's just too convenient...live as evil as you want all your life, and believe Jesus is the Son of God and go to Heaven. It sounds like something humans would make up to suit themselves, just like King James inserting the word "homosexual" into the list of who will not inherit the Kingdom of Heaven when it wasn't originally there (the word was "sexual deviants", and it is debatable whether that referred to homosexuality...Mark believes it referred to rape and incest, though of course one could argue Mark has his own biases for "conveniently" interpreting it that way).
Why can't all religions have a piece of the truth? Why can't God have revealed himself through both Jesus and Mohammad? |
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| Update on Mark |
[Aug. 20th, 2009|01:08 am] |
As of now, Mark has ended his radiation treatments and is cancer-free...at least for the time being. Within the next few days he is getting a tattoo of a healing rune and a protection rune, connected across his arm and chest. As he put it, it can't hurt and if nothing else "it happens again and I have a cool tattoo".
Please take a moment to pray that Mark remains cancer-free permanently. Thank you.
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| Update |
[Jul. 7th, 2009|08:45 am] |
Mark got his biopsy results yesterday. It is officially confirmed he has testicular cancer again. His doctor believes it can be taken care of. I will hopefully find out more details at a later date, as Mark was, understandably I guess, in an extremely low place last night. One of the previous times he went through a brief period where he decided to refuse treatment and basically let himself die because the treatment hurt worse than the cancer, until some friends knocked some sense into him and convinced him he can't give up his whole life for a couple months of pain. With how low he was last night, and his tendencies to get depression periodically anyway, I hope he doesn't slip into one of those crazy decisions again. His closests confidants now include some of the same people who kicked the sense into him before, so hopefully they wouldn't let him do anything like that.
At a later date I intend to find out whether he and his doctor are planning on radiation treatment or testicle removal, and I will express my opinion that removing the testicle is the safest and logical action considering it's caused him this grief three times now.
Today is Mark's 22nd birthday. Not the happiest birthday of his life, I doubt. |
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| Update (not much of one yet) |
[Jun. 30th, 2009|06:04 pm] |
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So Mark had his biopsy at 7 this morning. He then had a very long talk with his pastor for a few hours, after which I managed to get a hold of him. So far all that he knows is that it should be "manageable", or at least so his doctor believes, although vague words like "should be", "probably", and "manageable" aren't exactly solidly reassuring, although his doctor had told him after the initial discovery of the problem that the cancer cells were weak. They have to do more tests on it and his doctor will call him with more detailed information. He's not sure when. So I guess we have to wait a little while more, hopefully not too greatly long. He didn't really want to talk about it, understandably I suppose, and he didn't really know any details anyway, so I didn't interrogate him. |
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| Update: Living on Hairpins... |
[Jun. 27th, 2009|01:55 pm] |
So for the last week I have been stressed out due to my boyfriend once again having cancerous cells in the same testicle in which he has had testicular cancer twice before.
His doctor told him after the first biopsy that they were weak cells, but until his second biopsy on the 30th, he won't know anything else, and of course the worry in the meantime is that they will strengthen and spread.
Both of the last two times he caught it extremely early, it did not spread beyond testicular cancer, and he was able to get rid of it through radiation treatments. Considering his doctor has already told him they are weak cells, I am thinking it "should" be ok, but until he finds out more info on the 30th, "should be ok" is. not. good. enough.
His friends don't think it's something to get freaked out about, but I have been unable to stop myself from stressing out over this almost every waking minute of every day for about a week, and I feel mentally and physically exhausted. Mark is also in deep depression and anxiety to the point of being physically ill over the testicular cancer recurring (for the second time) and not knowing any more info for two more days. |
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| Something I'm Thinking Of Doing... |
[May. 17th, 2009|09:54 pm] |
I am thinking of posting the prologue of a sci-fi story I am attempting to write on here, but for protection of my work it will be friends-locked.
If anyone wants to see what may or may not be worth reading and is not my LJ friend, request me within the next 24 hours or so and I will add you. |
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| It's 2009, and stuff like this still happens... |
[Apr. 15th, 2009|03:29 pm] |
An 11-year-old boy committed suicide because of the incessant anti-gay bullying he endured on a daily basis:
http://www.advocate.com/news_detail_ektid79039.asp
It is 2009, and people- children- are still being hounded to suicide because of the GENDER they are attracted to.
Things like this, being smacked in the face with how much of American "land of the free" society still lives in caveman-world, blows a huge hole in the optimism I try to have for humanity.
All those who promote homophobia...you are responsible. |
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| marriage is off |
[Mar. 30th, 2009|11:24 pm] |
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My ex is not getting married. i don't know what's going to happen now. is it pathetic that he is still the one person i can talk to and feel comfortable with and like i can completely be myself with a hundred times better than anyone else i have ever known? |
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| The Ex Wants To Be Friends Again |
[Mar. 23rd, 2009|09:52 am] |
Months (December, actually) after telling me he would rather not talk to me at all anymore, and would never text or call me again, and removed me from his friends lists on Myspace and Facebook, my ex boyfriend (and ex semi fiance, who is now engaged, as mentioned in an earlier entry, to a girl) wants to "salvage what is left of a possible friendship".
I honestly don't really know how to respond. I do know I don't relish the idea of hanging out with him and his fiancee. |
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| A Streetcar Named Desire |
[Mar. 14th, 2009|11:08 am] |
I was very pleased with the reception Streetcar got last night. The audience laughed in all the right places (I'm not complaining that my "wife" and I got probably the biggest when she kicks me out of the house), and were deathly silent when Stanley slaps Stella and Blanche is taken away at the end.
A few pictures for your perusal:
The boys playing poker. Left to right: Tom Burd as Stanley Kowalski, David Ruple as Pablo, me as Steve (red shirt, holding cards), and Joe Toto as Mitch.
Amy Burd (Tom's wife onstage and off) as Stella, and Pam Wilterdink as Blanche Dubois. Pam is an area native, but has lived in NYC for 19 years, and returned as a guest actress for her dream role of Blanche.
Real-life husband and wife local theater regulars Tom and Amy Burd as Stanley and Stella Kowalski. Everyone did excellently, but Tom is really a powerhouse. His rages are explosions. His "STELLA!!!!" is terrific too.
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| Soooo.... |
[Mar. 10th, 2009|10:53 am] |
I found out today that my ex-boyfriend is engaged to the girl he has been dating since shortly after breaking up with me. Now, my ex originally (years before we met) called himself bisexual, but ended up breaking up with his first fiancee because he was unable to perform sexually with her and didn't think it would be fair to her to marry when he couldn't be fully intimate with her.
After that, he was fully "out and proud" open and unabashedly flaming gay, basically. But then a short time before we broke up, he told me he still had feelings for his former fiancee.
After we broke up, he did not, as I had expected, go back to her, but started dating another girl named Jamie, whom he is now, apparently, engaged to. The problem is, I remember him begging me to take him back and telling me "I can't do it Jes. I can't be a girl's boyfriend". But now apparently he has managed that...or convinced himself that he has.
Last I heard, he and Jamie are "waiting until marriage" to have sex...which I hope is not a convenient way of keeping her from finding out that he can't have sex with her. Although apparently she is also ostensibly bisexual.
He never showed any sign to me of feeling any kind of shame or guilt or having any self-loathing or denial issues about his sexual orientation. In fact, he was more open than I am. So I don't know what to think now. And I don't know how much I care. It's just yet another "what are you doing?" moment. |
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| Updates |
[Mar. 3rd, 2009|03:52 pm] |
So online dating sites continue to be depressingly nonproductive. Everyone is from Brazil, Germany, the Philippines, Florida, New Jersey, some opposite corner of Ohio, or they are 40, 50, or 70 years old, or they are....horribly bad-looking. Weirdly, I've gotten a couple "winks" from guys whose profiles say they are looking for women....?
I am currently in Kent Trumbull cafeteria killing time until rehearsal. This week we are now running the entire play from beginning to end. Last night was actually the first time I'd seen the Blanche-Mitch breakup scene and the rape scene in their entirety. I thought last night went pretty well. Unfortunately, I have a bit of a crush on a cast mate, but he's straight (at least if his Myspace profile is to be believed). But that's neither here nor there.
The play goes up the 13th. |
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